


always keep 'em on a leash

by angelsaves



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Podfic Available, goetic demonology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 12:15:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15243189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsaves/pseuds/angelsaves
Summary: All Ryan wants to do is defend his friend from a possible demon. Things get weird.





	always keep 'em on a leash

**Author's Note:**

> title from "arsonist's lullabye," by hozier. betaed by mardia.

It happens so fast. There's a noise in the dark of the most haunted room in the house, Ryan screams and shoots it with his holy water-filled Super Soaker, it splashes back -- and then Shane turns into a horse.

"What the fuck," Ryan says. "What the _fuck._ " The horse is small, at least, which is probably good for the structural integrity of the old house, he thinks in a mild state of hysteria.

"That was a good shot," the _fucking horse_ says. "I didn't think you had such good aim."

"What," Ryan repeats, " _the fuck_."

"I didn't expect this any more than you did," the horse says, in Shane's irritable Midwestern voice, which is deeply weird for a horse. "Well, not much more."

"You're a fucking horse," Ryan says. "How are you a horse? Why are you a horse?"

"I'm not a horse, I'm just horse-shaped."

"Oh, horse- _shaped_! That makes this so much less weird -- oh, wait, _no, it fucking doesn't!_ " Ryan aims the watergun right between the horse-shaped thing's eyes.

"I thought you'd be happier to find out demons are real," says the -- _what?_

"I fucking knew it!" Ryan cheers, then stops. "You're a _demon?_ A _horse_ demon? And you just -- let me bumble around with holy water and salt?"

"Well, I didn't think you'd use it on _me_ ," the demon says. If Ryan closes his eyes, it sounds just like regular, non-horse-shaped Shane.

"I didn't," Ryan says. "I was using it to defend you! It just, you know -- rebounded."

"I appreciate it. Now, would you ask me to appear human again, already?"

Ryan opens his eyes. "Wait. You can't just... do that?"

"No, I need a human to command me."

"You need me to tell you what to do?" Ryan feels the grin start to spread across his face.

The demon -- Shane? -- lets out a very horse-like sigh. "Yeah," he says.

"So I could just... not?" Ryan asks.

"I mean, if you want to explain where you got a horse --"

"Can I rent you out for horsie rides?" Ryan wheezes with laughter.

"Definitely not!"

"Can I make you do things for me first?"

" _Ryan_ ," Shane says, because only Shane says his name like that, even if he is a horse demon. "I will do whatever you ask that is in my power if you just tell me to be human-shaped again."

"Okay, well -- go ahead," Ryan says, waving one hand at Shane's horse face. "Be human-shaped again."

There's a puff of smoke -- seriously, a _puff_ of _smoke_ \-- and there's Shane, in all of his seemingly human glory. "Thanks," he says, cracking his neck to the left and the right, and sits down on the bed next to Ryan.

"So," Ryan says. "You're a demon, huh?"

Shane holds out one of his big hands to shake. "Gamigin, Marquis of Hell, commander of 30 legions," he says. "Also known as Shane Alexander Madej."

"I knew that part," Ryan says, but he shakes his hand anyway. "Does this mean ghosts are real too?"

"No," Shane -- Gamigin -- _Shane_ says, then amends that to, "Well, sort of."

"What do you mean, _sort of?_ " Ryan demands.

"I can summon spirits that are in purgatory," Shane says, "and make them talk to me. They don't just hang around on earth, though. That would be weird."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," he says. "Also, I teach history."

"Oh my god, Ruining History is your _dark bidding?_ " Ryan pauses. "That kind of explains a lot, though."

"Yeah, basically." Shane shrugs.

"So why do you... pretend you're human?" Ryan asks. "Is it to steal souls?"

"Eh." Shane shrugs again. "Mostly, it's just fun. I wouldn't turn down a soul or two, but, you know, it's like candy. I don't need them."

"Wow," Ryan says. "That's... wow." He feels like he should be a little more freaked out, but honestly, this is just so absurd, and also... it's Shane. How can he be afraid of Shane? He's _Shane_.

"Do I get to ask you something now?" Shane asks. He puts his palms flat on his thighs and meets Ryan's gaze.

His eyes look the same as always. "Yeah, man, why not?"

"Did you really think you were protecting me when you shot that shadow with holy water?"

"Um, yeah, duh," Ryan says. "That's what I'm here for: saving secret demons from menacing shadows. You're -- you know."

"I'm what?" There's a laugh in his voice that, shit, goes straight to Ryan's dick.

"You're -- important to me, whatever." Ryan's face flames.

"Important, huh?" Is Shane leaning closer? "That's cool, man. You're important to me, too."

"Important like you want my soul, or like bros, or like..." Ryan trails off.

"How about you kiss me and find out?" Shane suggests.

Ryan is about to laugh it off, but he actually looks at Shane first, and he doesn't look ironic or joking or wry or any of those things. He looks kind of vulnerable, actually. So what else can Ryan do but lean in, closing the distance between them, and kiss him? Just gently, but definitely a kiss.

"Oh," Shane says softly against his mouth, and Ryan is just -- undone. He shifts a little, to get a better angle, and deepens the kiss. It's hot and wet and _Shane_ , fuck, melting against him like the chocolate in a really excellent s'more.

"So... that third kind of important," Ryan says when they pull apart.

"Uh, _yeah_ ," Shane says, like Ryan is an idiot for not picking up on it, which, okay, fair. "Like, for a long time, Mr. Detective Brain."

"Oh," Ryan says. "Do you, uh. Want to..."

"Why, Mr. Bergara, are you getting fresh with me?" Shane asks, grinning.

"Super fresh," Ryan agrees, getting up on his knees to straddle Shane's lap. "Like, boysenberry fresh." He moves up Shane's long body until Shane has to lie back, looking up at him like all his birthdays came at once.

"Boysenberry fresh, huh?" Shane folds his arms under his head. "That sounds really, really fresh."

"Yeah," Ryan says. He gets himself settled on top of Shane, friction right where he's craving it, and presses another kiss to Shane's mouth. "Really -- mmm."

Shane's got his hands on Ryan's ass, now, squeezing and pulling him down hard at the same time. "Yeah," he repeats.

"What do you like in bed?" Ryan asks, trying to keep his brain moving. "Are you, you know... a demon in the sack?"

"Obviously," Shane says, kissing Ryan's neck. "Get off me, let me blow you."

"Jesus, okay," Ryan says. It's not like he hasn't fantasized about this before, Shane's focus turned on him -- he climbs out of Shane's lap, and Shane gets down on his knees on the floor.

"Well?" Shane says impatiently. "Whip it out already, Bergara."

"God, this is so hot, you're so hot," Ryan babbles, pulling his dick out of his pants and giving it a friendly stroke.

"Yeah, that's what I want," Shane says. He wraps his hand around Ryan's cock and sucks it into his mouth, hot and wet and fantastic, and Ryan groans, trying not to thrust into his throat.

"Mmf," Shane says, and moves his hands to Ryan's hips, taking him all the way in.

" _Fuck,_ " Ryan says prayerfully. "You're -- Shane, fuck --" He lets his hips move, just a little bit, and Shane's eyes crinkle at the corners, like this is just as good for him as it is for Ryan, his lips and tongue and throat moving.

Ryan wants it to last forever. He glances down, and fuck, Shane's hand is moving in his own lap -- he really is getting off on this. That makes it even hotter, and Ryan doesn't know how he's going to survive. He strokes Shane's hair back from his face with one hand, and Shane closes his eyes and sucks hard, and oh, God, Ryan is done, he's coming down the throat of his best friend who is also a demon --

"Mmm," Shane says, getting up from the floor, his knees cracking in protest. "That was awesome."

"I didn't even --" Ryan protests.

"You're enough," Shane says. "You're always enough." He shoves Ryan down flat on the bed and spoons around him, and Ryan lets him, putting his dick gently back in his pants.

"Shane," Ryan says after a while, thoughtfully.

"No, we can't show anybody any of this footage," Shane says. "Not the sex tape and not the shape-changing."

Ryan sighs. "It was worth a try."

"No, it wasn't," Shane says definitely.

"Mmm." Ryan snuggles back against him. "We'll see."

**Author's Note:**

> gamigin is really a goetic demon who appears as a small horse and can be told to turn into a human. shane is not really a demon. (probably.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] always keep 'em on a leash](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15341850) by [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery)




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